American Girl

She waits another week to fall apart...

If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. ~ Thomas Paine

I had a long talk with an old friend last night.  She says that she's thinking of leaving her husband.  The spark is gone, and she's unhappy.  She says he's a good man, he's kind and treats her well.  She loves him and has no doubt that he loves her, and yet, she's unhappy.

I said all kinds of nice, supportive things.  I have been divorced and I understand how difficult it is to express such a thing.  Still, I'm kicking myself this morning, because I wanted to tell her that marriage is a series of ebb and flow, up and down, and that it's not to be taken lightly or tossed aside at the first sign failure.

I wanted to tell her that no marriage is perfect.  That you can be so completely overwhelmingly in love with someone that you might find yourself slipping into a rage when they disappoint you.  You'll find yourself screaming "Don't bother coming home tonight!" and then crying all night when he doesn't.  You may look at the man you married and wonder if it's possible to hate him, but those aren't the times you need to be worried about.  The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.   There's absolutely nothing indifferent about whispering "I hate you right now" through clenched teeth.  You can say these things because you know it's safe because underneath it all is love so strong that you promised to spend the rest of your life with this man and you know that no matter what you say, he's not going to walk away from you.

The stuff you have to worry about is the every day stuff.   The laundry and the bills and the diapers and the regular old life that doesn't include dinner out every night and does include night after night of TV.  It includes one or both of you giving too much of yourself to your job, and not enough to your family.  That's the stuff that creeps in and makes you think "Is this really it?  Is this my life?" and you mistakenly start to think it's your partner's fault.  You start to miss that new relationship feeling, and you become stupid enough to think that if you started all over with someone else, you wouldn't eventually end up in the same exact place.

I wanted to tell her that I think she's being stupid and selfish and cruel, and that she owes it to her husband and her child to at least, at the very least, address this problem, if it even is one, before throwing up her hands and walking away without even exploring why she's unhappy.  I wanted to curse her for comparing her marriage to mine, or anyones, because unless you're living inside someone's four walls, you really have no idea what their struggles and triumphs are.  I wanted to smack her for taking something so serious as marriage and making a mockery of it.  I wanted to hurt her in order to get her to feel something, because right now she isn't and I don't even know how she can be this way and still be human.  I want to tell her to grow up and stop being such a baby and do something, but I was afraid that that something would be the wrong thing, so I didn't.

Everyone thinks it's so easy. 

posted by: AmericanGirl at 11:52 | link | comments (15) |

The winter blues have been hitting especially hard this year.  Everyone I see seems to be worn down and so very over it.  I think we, as a country, are stuck in a rut.  Weird, since this is a time where we should be all excited and optimistic about getting some new leadership.  No one I talk to seems excited about the election, and I wonder if it's because it's still so far away?  We certainly did get the ball rolling too early, but really, who could blame us?  Maybe it's because all of the candidates are so mediocre.  Maybe it's because we're so quick to depend on the media to tell us what to think about the direction we're heading, and according to them, we're all going to be homeless by the third quarter.

Well I'm happy to tell you that Target and I did our part to stimulate the economy this afternoon.  I hope that brightens your outlook a bit.

A little while back Ryan's best friend got the girl he was "casually" seeing pregnant.  Not so casual if you ask me, but I'm not here to judge so you didn't hear that from me.  I spent a few months witnessing his roller coaster, which was more of a downward spiral than an actual up and down coaster, and something animal and/or maternal in me really disliked this girl.  I'm fully aware that it takes two, and he was equally responsible, and I'm not even going to go there with choices and what not, but he was sad and stressed and anxious and pretty much in turmoil and I felt for him because he's always been such a worry-free happy go lucky type.  He wasn't sure that he wanted a relationship with her, and from hearing his side of the story only she seemed kind of neutral on the whole idea too.

I must say I did admire them both for sticking by one another, even if it seemed all distant and weird.  They came over to visit and I can tell you now that I love this girl.  Seriously, we're like soul mates!  I can't believe I wasted all that energy having negative thoughts about her.  We've talked on the phone almost every day since then, gone out to dinner a few times, and oh my, it's exciting.  Poor Matty has commented on my change in attitude from "You poor guy, I'm sorry you're going through this" to "You better marry this girl, you asshole"  but he doesn't seem especially bothered by it.  After all, it's all about gaining my approval, right?

The baby is due April 23 and it's a girl.  Wohoo!  Now I can save all of Carly's cute girl clothes to pass on.

In other happy news, Ryan's brother and his wife are cautiously expecting as well, so I'm going to be an aunt again.  

Alright, that's about all the happy I've got, and I won't bore you with the sad.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 16:19 | link | comments (5) |

I'm officially ready to quit life.  What kind of a joke is this anyway?  My baby has chicken pox.  So much for the stupid vaccine she got, huh?  Oh, she would have gotten a booster, the doctor says.  Well I say that sucks.  And then he says all brightly "Well, she won't need one now!".  Great.  And I suppose Carly won't either, since I'm sure she's about to get the pox from her sister.

And the real kicker?  Ryan has never had chicken pox.   We're hoping that he's somehow developed some freak immunity to it.

I have all kinds of cheery things to write about, but I just had to bitch about that first.  Hmph.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 21:30 | link | comments (6) |

Yesterday while I wasn't even running late or anything, my friend and I decided at the top of a flight of stairs that we just weren't going to miss that train that was just about to close it's doors and pull away.    I can't explain why, it was just one of those things.  So we raced down, touching about every third step, and I wish I could have seen what it looked like, but I felt like a leapt across the entire platform and landed just inside the doors as they were about to close, only my heel didn't quite make it.  I can't explain exactly what happened after that except that although I didn't fall, it wasn't at all graceful.  Lots of arm swinging and juggling the books I was carrying.  But, landing on my feet, I shot a dirty look at everyone who dared look amused on my behalf, including my friend, and sat down.  Didn't give it much more thought until I tried to stand up again and found out that I couldn't.  Well, I could, because I did, but my back was all messed up.  It hurts so bad. Stupid boots.  Stupid subway.  Stupid me.

Today I went to a chiropractor who really turned out to be a sports medicine doctor, and he said it's "just a sprain".  Surely, with the way I'm feeling, it was the worst sprain he had ever seen in his entire medical career?  He didn't commit to that, but he did look sympathetic.  I thought for sure he would hand me all sorts of pain killers and send me on my way (Hello, Dr Drew!) but he suggested rest, and Advil.  Advil!  What we have here is a failure to communicate.  I can barely move, I have a job and a commute and two babies and a husband to take care of.  Where are all those shady chiropractors I see on the cheesy news programs who get caught in a undercover sting operation slipping prescriptions for all kinds of questionable controlled substances to anyone with a hangnail and a sob story?  I need to find one of those.  Until I find one, I'm staying here in my bed, on the laptop, being mad at Ryan for not sharing his good pain meds.

To top it all off, this morning as I was struggling to get dressed, which is a struggle, if you haven't been paying attention till now, Carly was in the exersaucer.  I heard those three words that fill every mother of two young children with dread: "Baby Carly, CATCH!" followed by a hollow sounding "Bonk!".  Poor Carly got hit right between the eyes with a giant plastic bumble bee.  She started crying, Hope started crying, and right before my eyes, this gigantic bump grew out of her head like a unicorn horn.  I was ready to have her airlifted to the ER, it looked so horrible, but Ryan checked her out and said she's fine.  It's the bumps that don't swell all gigantic that you have to worry about.    He's a handy guy to have around, my husband.  Except when it comes to doling out controlled substances.

If you're not feeling sufficiently sorry for us all by now, I've got nothing else for you.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 17:44 | link | comments (9) |

I must become a celebrity because I want, no, need Dr. Drew to save me.  Seriously, there is just something about him.  What is it?



When I'm on Celebrity Rehab I'll be sure to act up in the middle of the night so he has to come in and talk me down in his regular clothing and not the suit.  I'm not into the suits.  The black t-shirt and jeans - Yes!  But the suits, not so much.

Dr. Drew, if you're reading this, I'm surviving solely on valium, xanax and energy drinks.   And jelly beans.  Only the red and yellow ones.  You're my only hope.  Easter's coming early this year, and all the jelly beans will be gone, gone, gone.

Shut up.  He might read my blog.  You never know.

posted by: AmericanGirl at 18:26 | link | comments (16) |

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